Jamie Rice

Mixed Media Paintings

50 Shades of Mustard

Jamie RiceComment

An Austin Love Story.

As he runs his fingers through her bowl cut...

He looks deeply in her eyes and asks for consent, "are you comfortable?"

She confirms, explicitly. "Yes, keep going."

(They both remove their glasses, setting them on the bedside milk crate, careful not to knock over the mason jar carrafe) 

He waits patiently while she removes her high waisted trousers at her own pace.

He parts her untamed thicket and gently inserts himself.

After a few non aggressive thrusts, he asks, "Does this hurt?"

"No" she confirms. (of course not, Brayden)

His gentle gyrations intensify. He compliments her courage as a woman, but apologizes for assuming her gender.

As he anticipates climax, he pulls out  early and finishes himself off. 

He looks in her eyes, and ejaculates into a recycled whole foods bag. 

She photographs it for their "upcycled in Austin" blog. 

He congratulates her for her hard work, and apologizes for his privilege. 

He asks if she has any dietary restrictions, and offers to prepare them an organic vegan cheese board. 

She holds him in her arms as they cry together lamenting the results of the very first election they’ve ever tuned in for. They decide a trip to art festival tomorrow will lift their spirits. 


Brayden and Alan (Alana dropped the "a" at the end of her name bc she felt it sexualized her) exhausted from last nights tryst, and  from all of the chaos of Reaching for the same mustard crocheted beanie,  they nearly forgot their cruelty free wallets.

Upon arriving at the Art festival, They found the handmade soap booth where they buy from annually. Days in advance, they mutually agreed that petiouli would be their scent of choice this year. However  Thom, the artisan soap maker had suggested they try the new kale fragrance. Alan was terribly irked, by her new option. Though she's typically decisive, she found Thom's assertiveness alluring. His sales technique, adjusting his man bun often, was unbeatable. (He learned it in a webinar called "how to win sales with frequent man bun adjustment, part deaux")

Brayden noticed Alan's attraction to Thom, but he decided not to give in to his toxic masculinity. He moved on to the next booth to give Alan the space to explore her feelings, both about Thom and the new kale soap decision.

He stumbled upon a well lit booth filled with brightly colored, attractive paintings. He suspected that the imagery may have interesting stories behind them so he solicited explanation from the artist. 

The artist worked hard to find common ground, asking questions, listening carefully and tailoring her descriptions to appeal to his higher mind. They bonded. Inspired, Brayden decided he connected to one painting in particular and he must purchase it. He was certain that Alan would love the empowering story and was so excited to share it with her. Brayden didn't balk at the price, as his family was quite wealthy and supply him with a monthly stipend. He pulled out his credit card to pay the artist with no hesitation or negotiation.

Meanwhile, Alan had finally settled on the kale soap, but fell jealous when she observed Thom adjust his man bun for the next customer, also suggesting the kale scent. She stormed off abruptly. 

Alan angrily approached the booth where Brayden's transaction was pending. Enthusiastically, he directed her attention towards the painting and attempted to explain its meaning. Before he could finish his sentence, she interrupted contemptuously and yelled "We're not putting THAT in our fucking house!! C'mon, lets go!”

With Braydens credit card in hand, mid-swipe, the artist, startled, held back a look of indignation. She peered into Braydens eyes, awaiting his reaction, looking for any sign of fortitude. None emerged. She handed Brayden his card in slow motion, attempting to provide enough time for him  to speak up.

He said nothing, retrieved his card and obediently followed Alan out of the booth. They left the art show with no art and more importantly, no soap as Alan mistakenly left it behind in haste. 

The artist spent the next hour writing a back story of the incident as a coping mechanism for her incessant disappointment perpetuated by the emasculated males of Austin, fucking, Texas. 

The artist subsequently removed the artwork from her booth and lined her shelves with Dial soap she purchased in bulk from Costco. She's had immense success selling it "ironically" with substantial markup. 

For a small upcharge, she'll open and partially use the bar of soap, offering the customer a more authentic product experience.

The artist's newfound success has awarded her enough profit to purchase her own mustard crocheted beanie. 

 She lived happily ever after when She was recognized by a prestigious gallery, and given her own solo show---not for her paintings, however, but for an entire palette of dial soap. 

She later died from overexposure to lye and parabens and her famed pallet of dial soap was auctioned off at Sotheby's for 6.2trillion dollars.